Where we were.
I always thought I had a well behaved kid who would do as I said always. But it changed. I feel as though my child went through a metamorphism at age 13. Maybe it was who he truly was but he kept it hidden because he didn’t want to disappoint me. The sullen, defiant and angry at the world child came out. We argued over everything. He wanted to be with his friends and do everything his friends did. I wasn’t the type of mother to let my son roam free but it seemed that most of his friends had the freedom to be anywhere at any time. He refused to hear me when I tried to explain that his momma don’t give freedom until it is earned. He started not wearing a belt, telling me it is uncomfortable to wear a belt at the waist. His underwear is not showing because he has on shorts over his underwear. I didn’t like it. So we constantly argued over that.
Then he went to live with his father in Georgia. That did not go too well. He ended up back in Bermuda. I put him at Vision Academy, with Mrs. Lisa Smith. She understood him, so not much got pass her. But he would go to school late, not come straight home after school. He was getting into fights in town. He was flirting with gang life. He was not obeying me. There was never a week when I did not have to talk via phone to or meet with Lisa about something that went on at school. In June 2013, there was an incident with a child at school and then he got arrested. Mrs. Smith said she cannot take him back if something drastic doesn’t happen on his part.
I had contacted Child & Family Services because I could see the situation at the tip of two explosions (mine and his). I was told he needs more freedom. I couldn’t believe it. My child needed to do as he was told. One of my male cousins stepped in to talk to him and it seemed to work for a while. Then I saw Eddie Smith and John Perinchief I told them about my problems with Dillon. Both suggested that I inquire about the MIRRORS program. I was willing to try anything. Their program didn’t start until November and it was only June. I was at my wits end.
Joanne Woods became a source of encouragement. She let me rage. She talked to Dillon. She did that until November. Then Dillon went on the six night program with MIRRORS and I had a relaxing week. At the graduation they said, “Don’t expect miracles.” I was expecting a miracle when he came back. I got a miracle for three days. Then it was back to the arguing. But he would apologize. He would back down. He started telling the truth. We had some highs and some really low lows. Our life was ebbing and flowing. It was manageable but not the greatest. He had improved behaviour at school. He started to accept responsibility. He started to think about consequences before making a decision. Some days it was good and other days it was bad. I couldn’t get over this statement, “Mom, I just made a poor choice. I will do better next time.” I was a little disappointed because I thought MIRRORS was going to give me a perfect child. I would say, “Remember your stand.”
Then in January 2014 I got invited to the MIRRORS parenting course. I didn’t want to go because there was nothing wrong with my parenting skills. Dillon was excited. He said, “Mom you should go so you can understand why I think the way I think.” I had to go after he graduated from the MIRRORS program that I pleaded with him to go to. After he told me that he almost quit the program but kept on going. After he told me about all the hard work he put into finishing the program. I had to go. But I did not go willingly. I went with a closed mind.
In the parenting course, the turning point for me was when Chia likens our hopes and dreams for our children to a picture of a meal on a menu. We never get the meal exactly on the menu because that meal on the menu is just a picture. The hopes and dreams are the pictures we have of our children and our actual children don’t share those same hopes and dreams and that is where the disconnect comes. I realized that I had expectations of my child and he was never going to live up to those expectations because they were mine not his. Then we learned that the life we had as before our children effects how we raise our children. And I realized that I have issues that are preventing me from moving on with my life which is affecting how I raise my child. OMG, I am part of the problem.
Where we are now
I resolved from that point on to start loving myself, to accept Dillon for who he is, to not fly off the handle as much and to have a better relationship with my son. It is a long road ahead but I am working on each thing.
I started with having a better relationship with my son. I think we have a good relationship. He still does things that we argue over. But we are learning to put it past us. He is my child and I love him very much. He is who he is. My job is just to instill principles in him that help him make right choices. We talk more. I accept what he tells me. I still irritate him but he is not rude and disrespectful about telling me how he feels. I sleep better and I smile more. The crying over Dillon is nonexistent. He doesn’t hate to be home anymore. I tolerate his friends more. He even hugs me and calls me his boy.
MIRRORS did not perform a miracle. MIRRORS taught Dillon and I how to use the tools we had so that we could get along better.
